Babies

Are babies all they're cracked up to be?
My family's mindset is that a woman's blessing is to be able to have and raise children. Having a career isn't shunned but they do not think it should be a woman's focus. I am the only woman in my extended family besides my mom to have a degree and am the only one to not have a child yet. I feel I am running in place between the "career move older mom" choice or the "young mom maybe a career down the road" choice. My family is pretty close in my social circle so I run into the feeling of being left behind pretty often and I'm not sure on the direction I want to take in my career so I'm leaning towards starting a family.

Decisions

Why does every decision feel like a life or death? If I quit this job I will never find another one. Or if I quit this job, I will wish for it back because the grass certainly was not greener on the other side. It should be an easy move, just a pawn in the beginning of the game of chess. Still too early to completely sacrifice all options in the future. What is the winning goal though? What is the outcome I am looking for in life?

• I want to have successful and beautiful children who love the Lord.
• I want to have a comfortable and beautiful home. 
• I want to be making a difference in someone else life
• I want to be confident in my answers of God, life, and relationships when someone asks for my help. 
• I wish to have a talent/skill I can share with others (ie. photography, medicine, massage, financial advising)

I feel useless. I want to be at the place where the older generations rests. They understand how to enjoy life, what is necessary and what is fruitless. They understand and have experience. I feel antsy sitting here waiting for my life to begin but at the same time it is passing me by! Time is wasted waiting when I could be improving on my skills.. but what skills do I improve on that will help me later? Do I just pursue things that I enjoy? None of them are very useful... perhaps I could be a writer for someone, if I learned grammar and techniques well enough to be successful. But even my engineering husband is better and more thoughtful at writing than me. 

I need to just learn. Find things and learn everything I can.